i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“I wouldn’t.”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My purse is deeper than some people.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.