In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.