The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
my favorite genre of twitter
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.