“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
A short story of betrayal:
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Pringles
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats