“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My patience has stretch marks.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭