thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I just ran a .003048K
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs