“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.