HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head