Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice