If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)