A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
this FaceApp is creepy af
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.