If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.