If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Go girl power!
thanksgiving in nutshell
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.