My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
You Might Also Like
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Life with a cat in one tweet
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this