Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.