[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
You Might Also Like
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂