If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“How’s your day going?”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.