I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Pizza is an emotion right?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.