Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
You Might Also Like
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”