Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Meow
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Thrilling chase underway
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy