Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.