[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You Might Also Like
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?