‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
i spent way too long on this
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Beware of fowl play.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?