ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
excuse me
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.