you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
it be like that
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.