Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Whisper out to librarians!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.