They say women only use 10% of their anger
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.