The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
You Might Also Like
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
If you know, you know
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?