Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
#StillHurts
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.