Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?