My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”