If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Birds & Planes.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy