I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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