My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.