The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”