If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”