My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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Hmmmmm
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers