“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Just as the prophecy foretold
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
omg leave her alone
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please