If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Bless you
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.