My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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I am HOWLING at this
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg