If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.