ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.