[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
You Might Also Like
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
#CoronaOutbreak
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?