The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
@ candidates for local office
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.