i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…