My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.