sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required