“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.