Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music