Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter